Nothing really

Old writing snippet – July 16th 2019

Sometimes it just hits me, you know? You were so close and so far at the same time and my heart may have settled now but I remember how it dropped to my stomach around you. I remember how I’d watch myself turn into a frantic mess and laugh at the destruction I never intended to cause and I’d still do it all over again because wallowing in that madness was a gift. A gift not everyone could give me but you did. You really did. And maybe you understood or you may never understand it and regardless of whether you could see it or not. I saw it. I nurtured how I felt about you and coddled your innocent whims and ridiculed your selective blindness and I still feel it in the middle of the night. The unexplainable affection that breaks out of me every time I briefly remember you and I will never know what to do with it. I don’t even feverishly desire you or wait on a sign from you and that baffles me because I feel intertwined still, from oceans apart even. Moving changed nothing. I wallow in human-ness and glorify the glorified along with the masses but I get lost in the pitter patter. A simple breeze can transport me away from reality. A ray of Sunshine falls on my face and I am a lunatic all over again. I am a dazed mess among concrete buildings dreaming of naked feet in mucky lands and I breathe in like I live there already, these non-existent places so colourfully formed and detail oriented in my head. Of course I know that I’m crazy and there isn’t anything I want really, but I just want to say it. I dream sometimes of your eyes and it’s stupid, I know. It’s stupid but I dream of them and I’m home.