Ordained

Written on April 16th 2019

I asked for innocence. I ordained it like an armour. Like an overt peace offering. I wandered childishly, doing everything that could feed my void and fill the ghastly spaces. I deliberately embarrassed my being and laughed at her. I made it all a joke, it’s all a joke now. I clutched my hair more often and twisted the skin on my joints and moved my hips from side to side. I doodled carelessly and scattered one to many kisses. I threw tantrums and acted like I was entitled to everything I could want. I crumbled. In limbos of numbness and mindlessness until one day, suddenly. I felt like a chick in an egg, with walls around me cracking open. As the cold wind seeped in through the cracks, I felt a chill down my chest till my womb. ~

There it was. Everything that had seemed to be escaping me. It was that ringing in your head when you’re afraid. It was that pounding in your stomach when you’re anxious. It was that yanking at your heart when you’re in love. I gasped. Where was all this when I wanted to carry it? Now I’m too weak to and it’s here. Okay, I see you. I’m here and I’m breathing and I’ll sway in it all a while until the tingles subside and I’ll lie on the grass, facing the sky, drifting into spaces we share and drown in the sweet suffering that keeps us all profusely alive. I am here and I am so much more than I could fathom with lumps in my throat that could shatter the ground beneath my feet. To those who cannot take it, you may keep your head hanging low. I expected more from you before you were ready, I know. You may blame me for your filled heart and the unbearable, out of your bubble frequencies and inevitable entanglement. You may blame me but none of it is really my doing. Those carrying this forward hold utmost valour and I’m kneeling at their feet in utter surrender.