dead to me now

It’s like being compelled to obsess by puppeteers of brain chemicals. 

As much as I know how to shake myself out of a delusion, here I still am. 

It wasn’t love then… but what about now? Simulation done and I chose it again. 

To fake it till I made it. To stick through a thought, to feed a feeling. 

To learn of all the reasons I could hate you, criticise you, belittle you and lose. 

To skim through a list of the things you do that cause me pain and drown in them. 

I felt it all, word by word. I consumed the anger, the helplessness, the powerlessness. 

I took all that you brought me, all that you gave me, one feeling at a time. 

I studied you like a modern art painting, tried to make sense of the creator’s strokes.

I dug deeper and deeper, put my life on autopilot, she knows what to do. 

As I conquered personal milestones, unraveled the mystery of me from up above. 

Down below, I continued to drown in the depths I found in you. I dug deeper. 

Deeper than I’ve ever felt the need to dig before. Now I’m here. Caving. 

Evoking extremities, experiencing my skin in ways I haven’t. Dreaming. 

Eternal to Internal conflict to unrest to uncovering little saplings in my being.

Begging to be found, watered and set to grow into trees, I have to admit it;

The more I found of you, the more I found of me and that makes me grateful. 

That makes me indebted. That makes me devoted. That makes me a fool. 

That makes me want to give you more power over me than you deserve. 

That makes me want to learn to love you through your colours of shady. 

Through your infidel heart’s adventures. Through your presence and absence. 

Through the pain you cause and the pleasure you bring. Through your growth. 

Through your stupidity. Through your brilliance. Through you.

To give back to you everything you brew in me, everything that’s rightfully yours. 

I want to learn to love you better, truly, madly, deeply… until I cannot anymore. 

Like every time I’ve thought this before- ‘I think I didn’t know love until I met you.’

And you can’t even see the pitiful whirlwinds the mere vibration of your existence causes. 

How painfully unaware you are; wandering while I sit here, writing about you. 

May 23rd 2021