I’m aware

Written on 19th November 2019

God you won’t even let me dwell in a feeling, will you? The instant something beautiful begins to form in the depths of the same chest that carried the weight of grey shades of sorrow, here you come again, corrupting my budding day dreams with reality checks. I know better than to build castles in the sky, yet you awaken desires in me to make me build. You let me. And I anticipate cloud quakes. I will call them just that. The shattering of something you never thought could shatter. I expect my castles to crumble, like it is a given. See? You think I’m stupid? I’m setting your plan to hurt me up for failure by hurting myself. I’m not stupid. Definitely not. I never looked for love. That I always had. I looked for long lasting safe havens. Spaces where my freedom could flow. Minds that would just let me be my selves. Places where my chaos could be cherished and my love could be watered. Sometimes however, I’m merely human. A genetically and chemically bound woman. I also secretly want what I know can’t have. Yes it’s a secret. I claim to want other things. I paint pictures of me. See what it takes to scare intellects away. See what it takes to make them want to stay. It’s all a game. In reality, I have nothing any of it takes. I’m a bundle of thoughts in different minds, including my own. Aren’t we all? Sometimes stagnant, sometimes ever changing. It’s easy to paint a picture. One or many. You’re watching me as I paint? I’m aware. I’m aware of everything. I chose this suffering, I chose this mind. Yet, I curse you. When my body fails to keep up with my brain. When my brain seizes to function for scary multiple milliseconds. When my heart drowns in its own creations. I can feel ends coming from all corners of any room I’m in. Yet, I wave white welcome flags. Tell me, have I won? Am I a warrior? Or am I nothing? If nothing was this detailed and delicate, maybe I’m fine with being nothing. My nothing has portals and visions and alternate realities that begin when I close my eyes. Sometimes I wonder if deep down I want and invite what we claim to flee from as human beings. Come to me, hurt me. Leave me a mess and you’ll be helping me rise. Higher and higher and higher till I’m eons away from where we began. Fast-tracked to there in a matter of years. Yet, these hands were gifted. And if I’ve held you, I’ve known you from centuries ago. I’ve taken a piece of your being and injected it into my soul and one day among the stars, in the galaxy of my choice, I will have my art gallery, displaying the magic I found in the people I fell in love with. Souls that I carried in my being, as thoughts, memories, dreams and fears. So you can spew out lessons disguised as unfairness. Disguised as people, as pain, as time. I’ll still overcome and reign over it all. If you believe in the cards you’ve dealt me, you’d know how powerful I am. But during long moments in between, I will crouch and curl. I am just painting pictures as what began before a womb continues to unfurl.